sandi
PORT ANGELES, WASHINGTONexcerpted from Hoarders
I’m Sandi, and my husband Ed and I are known around the area as Mr. and Mrs. Claus Ed and Sandi wearing Santa and Mrs. Claus costumes, Hawaiian leis around their necks
Ho ho ho off to the North Pole we go! gift wrapping paper with a pattern of Santas in Bermuda shorts with big white bellies, surfing
One of my favorite Christmas memories is of our family trip to Hawaii, when the carolers sang to us in hula skirts inside the hotel lobby snowglobe with a big plastic Christmas mitten stuck to its side like a starfish, and tiny hula dancers inside
But as much as we love Christmas, I can’t put up a Christmas tree because our house is too Hawaiian Style Fabric Santa With Shaved Ice, Fabric Sunny Pineapple, Handmade Wood Aloha Monkey, Handmade Wood Hula Pig, Handmade Wood Octopus With Ukulele, Plastic Church with Snowy Roof ornaments
I don’t want to invite anyone over, it’s terrible reindeer statue next to a roll of toilet paper
Most of our meals, we sit on the bed and watch TV and eat because finding a comfortable place to eat is a challenge Ed and Sandi on the bed eating canned spaghetti off paper plates; surrounding them in the room are throw pillows including one with candy cane stripes that says Best Time of the Year and one with a watercolor of a skier that says Ski, animatronic Santa with glowing candle he lifts up and down, two porcelain snowmen under a palm tree strung with Christmas lights, dirty clothes, oxygen tank, stacks of shrink-wrapped DVDs including Lost, Planet Earth, The Nightmare Before Christmas
My kitchen is filled with treasures and I can’t get out my front door guarding the door is a statue of Santa holding a pineapple in one hand and a beach ball in the other, Woody Nelson statue that is also a CD holder, orca plush toy from Sea World, inflatable Darth Vader lawn ornament
The stuff that’s around us is comfort, it’s kind of like spray bottles of Santa’s Snow Machine fake snow
I like to buy for other people—if I see something I’ll buy it for my granddaughter inflatable hot cocoa lawn ornament of a laughing gingerbread man trapped in a cup of cocoa, smiling marshmallows floating around him
She tells me I don’t need to buy anymore presents for her big Santa squatting on a tiny island figurine
I start the first of January buying Christmas presents for the next Star Wars Advent Calendar
Since we moved into this house 20 years ago, we are paying $120 a month for a storage unit—$120 for 30 years, that’s a lot of LED nativity sets
There’s no savings, and sometimes there’s not quite enough to pay windowsill crammed with tiki vases, glitter poinsettias, Pine Scent spray bottles, Grandma’s Sugar Cookies scented candles
Then I’ll see something that is absolutely perfect for someone and I’ll throw pillow with More Milk and Cookies for Santa spelled out in scrabble tiles
And then there really won’t be enough PEZ dispensers of the Grinch
They actually sent a letter recently that they were gonna foreclose our expired Wonka Gingerbread Cottage kit
My husband took care of it Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz doll with icicle lights around his neck
He did a GoFundMe account and posted it on Facebook, and then he took a part time job at the Goodwill, so I go in when he’s working and shop Elf on a Shelf, Warm Winter Wishes Rudolph’s glowing nose sign, camo print stocking, Christmas from Hawaii CD by the Surfers, embroidered ornaments with stranger’s names on them
No one wants my wreath of starfish
Just like the Whos in Whoville, the true spirit of Christmas is not about stuff, it’s about being with friends and family stuffed snowman wearing a lei, face pressed against the wall; surrounding the snowman is a circle of tiki gods in Santa hats
No one really wants the real Mrs. Claus as a mom or a grandma Kmart Mrs. Claus goose outfit sold separately from Large White Goose
It’s just my nature, it’s just the person that I am three foot Santa buried in matching Sleepyhead family pajamas with a snowflake print, Happy Santa toilet seat cover, Holiday Drink dispenser made to look like an elf’s belly, Christmas at Downton Abbey CD, leis implanted with Christmas lights, Christmas-opoly board game; riding down the side of the avalanche is a tiny Santa in a red speedo, surfing
Don’t take my role away big Santa’s head sticks out from the avalanche — cheeks rosy, eyes LED
Kate Durbin is a writer and artist from Los Angeles. She is the author of four books of poetry, including Hoarders and E! Entertainment. Her poetry app, ABRA, won the international Turn On Literature Prize for electronic literature and she was the Arts Queensland Poet-in-Residence in Brisbane, Australia. Her writing has appeared in LARB, Flaunt, Document Journal, Poetry Magazine, and more. Her artwork has been shown at VBKOE in Vienna, peer to space in Berlin, MOMA San Francisco, MOCA Los Angeles, and elsewhere.
https://www.wavepoetry.com/products/hoarders