Default Friend and Delicous Tacos answer your burning sex & love questions. 

Should I cheat on my boyfriend while I’m on a humanitarian mission in Nicaragua?

Default Friend:

What a strange question! 

It’s strange because the only detail about your situation you provided is that you’re going on a humanitarian mission to Nicaragua. Is the implication that there’s something specific to Nicaraguan people that you want to experience…? Or maybe your fellow humanitarians?

I guess I should also add that my knee jerk response to this was, “With who?” as though that would change my answer. Anyway, no, don’t do it.


Delicious Tacos:

Thank you for visiting the unlaid tribes of Nicaragua to hand out much-needed humanitarian pussy. I'm pleased to offer you a place in Harvard's Class of 2025.

Look if you meet someone hot down there you'll cheat. If you don't, you won't. You know this.

And it's normal. The idea of moving to an exotic tropical land, out in the mountains with the other hot, rich eugenics experiments who do this latrine digging circuit-- all products of 10-generation breeding programs to purge the ugliness of the one guy who made the money-- encamped in the rain forest with chiseled Chase Caldicott III from the rowing team while nubile native teens prance to the pan flute around you, howler monkeys with swollen teats couple savagely in the branches, screaming—being there and not fucking, you gotta be shitting me. I hope you have a great time.

The issue is your boyfriend. In your soul you already look at him like a skin tag. But you don’t want to cut him off now because everyone in Nicaragua might be ugly. 5’ 2” hatchet faced goblinoid locals with ringworm and with your luck your cabin mates will be weird, gay etc. These resume padding do gooder trips used to be a good time, but like everything else there was some sex accusation in 1998 and they’ve become a cockblocking environment. Every detail carefully managed by bitter old people to keep young people from fucking. You want to keep the boyfriend in pocket in case you can't get laid. A real possibility.

The compassionate thing to do is break it off now. Otherwise the small smart part of him will just think about you cheating the whole time. It’ll fuck your relationship anyway.

If you can't get laid on your trip, and you're forced to actually spend your time helping the poor-- take extra time off and go to France. It's Southeast Asia for women.

I’m in love with my therapist and I genuinely think he loves me back.  What should I do?

Default Friend: 

My first impulse is to ask, “Why do you think he’s in love with you?” 

Either what you’re experiencing is transference, which your therapist should have the tools to navigate and may have experienced before, or he’s behaving inappropriately with you. If it’s the latter, I’d suggest you find a new therapist. Generously, a therapist who is romantically invested in you doesn’t feel conducive to good care.

But I understand that a cut-and-dry, “yeah, this happens and therapists deal with it,” or “okay, sounds like he has feelings and that’s inappropriate,” aren’t great answers. Certainly not what I’d want to hear were I in your shoes.

Let’s say–for argument’s sake–you are reading him correctly, and you’re right, your therapist is in love with you. You’re both stuck in this impossible situation. What now?

As someone who’s a sucker for cinematic-seeming romantic situations, I can sympathize with the impulse to test the boundary here. Unfortunately, in real life, these big, boundary-breaking, theatrical situations typically end in heartache.

They end in heartache for the same reason they make for such good dramatic tension. If it works out, it goes against the natural order of things. And the truth is, conventional wisdom is conventional for a reason. It works, and we should use it to help guide us. 

Even if he hasn’t abused his power as your therapist, and what you’re picking up on are more subtle cues, if he accepted any kind of romantic advance, that’s a massive red flag.

It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a bad person but it does raise some important questions. What other lines is he willing to cross? Has he fallen in love with, dated, or slept with patients before?  Is there something about the power imbalance–or your mental health situation–that’s a turn on for him? Is he using his profession as a sexual outlet?

It seems thrilling, don’t get me wrong. The only–and I mean only–way I think this could shake out healthily is if you left his practice and took things exceptionally slowly. But personally, I’d say nothing, spare myself the heartache, and find a new therapist.


Delicious Tacos:

Your therapist is not in love with you. He's jerked off to you, but he's not in love with you. However it's OK and natural to feel how you feel. And ethically there's no way for you to fuck up here, unless you blackmail the guy or make him eat your pussy at gunpoint. It's up to him as the authority figure to manage the boundary. You have no responsibility. That's why you're in love with him.

It’s OK to feel how you feel. Feelings are like weather. They pass. Sometimes long and slow. Sometimes overnight, like your love for this guy would pass if he loved you back. It would whipsaw into fear and a sense you’d been abused (and you’d be right). Or more likely just contempt.

If it were me I’d tell the guy. And he’d tell me some nice version of he’s heard it 10,000 times. But they do like it. I can tell my therapist is pissed I’m not in love with her.

For now, you know for a fact that you’re capable of love. You’ll always have this. Some day it can find the right home.

 

I was in a relationship for four years that was loving but very intellectually competitive. We were both mentally ill, and we didn't see eye to eye on sex issues. Before I'd been in back-to-back monogamous relationships.

At the tail-end of me leaving my ex, I started seeing (not cheating) someone else: the sex is insane, the best I've had hands-down, but I don’t know if I'm doing the wrong thing possibly entering a new relationship so soon after an old one that was long-term. I'm 27.Should I be single? For context, the new guy also cleans my house and is smart and loving with a bit of a bad boy edge. We’re very emotionally in tune. Just know my mum will go crazy and some friends will be disappointed if I’m in a relationship again and need guidance, sorry for the word vomit!

Default Friend:

So, no matter what I tell you, you’re not going to leave this new guy.

I suspect that you’re not so much asking for advice as asking for permission from a stranger who has the best chance of giving you an unbiased answer. 

So,  I’d accept that you’re already in this, and let the chips fall where they may with respect to other people’s perception. They’ll get over it. Whether it’s “healthy” is irrelevant at this point, you’re in too deep. What are you going to do, break up with him to take some space to get to know yourself? It’s just not going to happen, let’s be real. It sounds like you’re past the point of being able to slow things down, and I’m willing to guess you probably physically crave this guy when he’s not around.

I can’t predict how this relationship is going to shake out.

It’s true that sometimes the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. It could also  be that he’s a rebound or that you’re moving too fast or that you don’t give yourself enough time to grieve one relationship to move on to the next one.

I think a better question for yourself at this point is, “What mistake do I keep making?” as opposed to the more general, “Should I be dating right now?”

If the mistake is that you move too fast–what’s the texture of that movement? Do you ignore red flags? Do you force yourself to accept things you don’t want to? Conflate sex and intimacy?

Maybe you shouldn’t be dating, I can’t really say, but you already are. I’d make the best of the situation you’re in, try to learn from your past mistakes, and embrace the messiness. You’re happy–that’s a good thing.


Delicious Tacos:

This isn't a question. You want to brag about having a hot guy blow out the pipes and clean the house, and ergo how great you are. I'm happy for you. I hope he gets the grout snow white.

When a man gets new pussy, the sex act isn't complete until he brags to another man. Maybe it's like this with women and their relationships. So I hear you. I'm legitimately proud of you and impressed. “Bad boy edge” means he's getting side ass, but all the best men are.

I accidentally fell for one of my friends, but she’s not interested. I care about her a lot but it pains me to listen to her talk about other guys. She says she values my friendship but I don’t know if I can stick around. What should I do?

Default Friend:

Take a break from the friendship. The pain of “Why wasn’t I the right person?” and the resentment that will follow is much worse than the pain of absence. You’ll move on, but give yourself the space to.


Delicious Tacos:

You need pussy. You want her, but you need pussy. When you get pussy, she'll want you back. You won't care. Because you have pussy.

If you can stomach it, go out drinking with the guys she talks about. They get pussy. Pussy comes to guys who get pussy. You'll be in the vicinity of pussy. You'll fall ass backwards into pussy. You must pump all your feelings, your memories, your dreams about this girl-- straight into pussy.

Women like guys who get pussy. Women don't like guys who don't get pussy. It's never been any other way.

There's no situation where you like each other at the same time. It's never happened and never will. The pain you feel reading this is knowing I'm right. Get pussy.



To be continued...