Legalese

1.  There are two customers at the telephone store: a man who will not leave the telephone store, and me, a person who lost her telephone and needs it to be replaced.


2.  A device cannot be replaced for the full cost without written testimony from the owner of the device, which can be sent via mail.


3.  The man came in the store at 10 in the morning and is very angry, but no one knows why.


4.  My device is only partially covered for loss, though it is fully covered for damages, including but not limited to water submersion, battery theft, screen cracks, civil unrest, accidental artillery discharge, and SIM card corruption.


5.  The man’s name is William, or he says it is William, and he repeats his name at increasingly loud volume, while the cell phone attendants tell him that he is at the incorrect store for his problem, whatever that problem may be.


6.  The insurance company must review the claim internally before issuing a replacement device.


7.  My customer service associate, Glenda, tells me that William has been inside the telephone store for six hours.


8.  The review of the claim can take three to five business days.


9.  William wears two different brands of shoes, both with broken gray laces.


10.  After the claim is approved, and it’s not positive that it will be, the replacement device can be issued, but only after a telephone conversation with one of the agents confirming a shipping address.


11.  William says that he is a man of God and he has a story to tell.


12.  How, I wonder, can I have a telephone conversation to confirm the shipping address, without the replacement device?


13.  The police officers are confident that William could leave the store and go to the correct establishment for whatever it is and have this all be done with.


14.  I ask if I can have a telephone in order to complete the insurance claim from home, since I live alone, and there aren’t other telephones in my life other than the one I lost.


15.  One of the police officers pulls out the silver handcuffs and puts William against the telephone display case.


16.  Glenda gives me her phone to talk to insurance about my requests.


17.  William says Please no arrests, I have children.


18.  No replacement device can be issued without approval from insurance, which they will notify me about via text message.


19.  Handcuffs do not equal an arrest because police officers cannot issue arrests without confirmation from headquarters.


20.  The insurance company would like to give me a replacement device in order to receive the text message notification but unfortunately the request will take five to seven days to process.


21.  Glenda says It must be a busy day at headquarters.


22.  The hold music for the insurance company is Beethoven’s fifth.




Claudia Ross is from Los Angeles. Her writing has appeared or is forthcoming in Joyland, Hobart, The Baffler, and others.