I stood at the crosswalk with a bag of tomatoes. I pushed the button to activate the crosswalk signal. I waited for a car to run the red light and the very first car to drive up ran the red light so I tossed a tomato into the air above the crosswalk. The tomato hit the car’s windshield and exploded. I don’t know makes or models of cars. It was white and had four doors. It had tomato juice all over the windshield and hood. The driver slammed on the brakes and turned the wheel so the car’s front right tire bumped into the curb. The driver tried to get out of the car but the car was still in drive, so he stopped mid-exit to crouch down and go back into the car to shift it into park, then fully exited the car. He started yelling at me about whether I was crazy or whatever. A cop ran his cruiser onto the curb in front of the guy’s car and tried to get out of the cruiser but the cruiser was still in drive, so he stopped mid-exit to crouch down and go back into the cruiser to shift it into park, then fully exited the cruiser. He held up his gun and started yelling about whether the guy was crazy or something. I wanted to try to get out of a car but the car was still in drive, so I stopped mid-exit to crouch down and go back into the car to shift it into park, then fully exited the car...or something, whatever would make that sentence work, I don’t know. I’m tired. The cop seemed incredibly drunk and kept slurring his words. The guy tried to explain what had happened while still yelling. The cop yelled back trying to tell the guy to stop yelling. I realized that I was also yelling, just really quietly, almost in a whisper, and mostly to myself. The cop started kind of screeching instead of yelling and he leveled his gun at the guy and clicked off the safety. Cars were slowly backing up all around the intersection in all directions. I thought about the line of cars going all the way from the intersection to the west coast, two thousand miles away. I thought about throwing a tomato at the cop. I thought about trying to steal the gun from the cop. I thought about shooting the cop four times and then packing the bullet wounds with tomatoes. The cop started arresting the man against the hood of the car. The cop rubbed the man against the tomato guts. The cop put the man in the back of his cruiser. The cop closed the door of the cruiser. The cop drove away while firing his gun out the window. An hour later a tow truck came for the car and I went home. I ate tomatoes. Every time I bit into a tomato, it killed every cop in America. I killed every cop in America something like twenty or twenty-five times.
The Fucking Dresser
I posted a dresser for free on Craigslist. Two college kids wearing gym shorts came for it. They took all the drawers out of the dresser and put them in their car. They tried to fit the rest of the dresser in the back seat of their car but it wouldn’t fit. They tried to fit the rest of the dresser in the trunk of their car but it wouldn’t fit. They told me that the drawers fit in their car but that the rest of the dresser wouldn’t fit in their car. They said they lived close by. They said they didn’t know what to do. I told them that the rest of the dresser would probably fit in my car, which was a Subaru, and that I could drive it to their apartment. I went inside and put on my shoes and my hat. I went outside and they had moved the rest of the dresser to my neighbor’s driveway behind my neighbor’s Subaru. I told them that my Subaru was the other Subaru in the driveway on the other side of the house. They moved the rest of the dresser to the other driveway behind my Subaru. I opened the trunk and moved all the boxes and garbage and umbrellas out of my trunk and into the back seat. They tried to put the rest of the dresser into the trunk of my Subaru but it wouldn’t fit. I moved all the boxes and garbage and umbrellas off of the back seat and onto the floor. I lowered one of the back seats all the way. I lowered the other back seat most of the way because of the car seat. I told them that was as far as it would go because of the car seat. They pushed the rest of the dresser onto the back of the half-lowered back seat and shut the trunk. They told me where they lived and how to get there and then drove away in their car. I drove toward where they lived following their directions. There was a major crash at the intersection near where they lived. I sat in traffic while the cops waved at cars and carried pieces of a car bumper around for twenty minutes. I drove past where they lived. I drove to the lake. I opened the trunk of my Subaru. I thought, “This fucking dresser.” I pulled the rest of the dresser out of the trunk. I threw the rest of the dresser into the lake. I looked around. I didn’t see anyone. I went home. I went to bed.
Zac Smith is Zac Smith